By Neal Rogers
Photo: NBC
Gone but not forgotten. I guess that’s as good a way as any to describe seven-time Tour champion Lance Armstrong, who, three months after he walked away from his racing career, is still the most-talked-about cyclist in the world. At Thursday’s 2006 Tour de France route unveiling, Armstrong went nearly unmentioned in a 10-minute highlight video recap of the ’05 Tour — an omission Tour officials admitted was not accidental, given investigations into Armstrong’s alleged EPO use at the 1999 Tour.
Even in his physical absence, Armstrong’s presence was felt throughout the Palais de Congres in Paris on Thursday. Any talk of the 2006 race was prefaced with “now that Armstrong is gone,” and Tour organizers even began an open letter to the media by writing: “On the 24th of July we turned the page on a long, very long chapter in the history of the Tour de France. And one month later, current events made it clear to us that it was just as well that this was so.”
Clearly Armstrong hasn’t been forgotten in France. And he isn’t exactly fading away here in the U.S., either. It should be interesting to see if this latest chapter in the “Affaire Armstrong” affects the Texan, who is set to host “Saturday Night Live” on October 29, with fiancée Sheryl Crow as the musical guest. It will be Armstrong’s first appearance on SNL, but he test-drove his comedy chops last summer in the hit movie “Dodgeball,” with a cameo appearance as himself. Crow, making her third appearance on SNL, will perform from her fifth studio record, “Wildflower.”
Get the feeling Armstrong may just use the sketch comedy show to dig into the French a bit? Who knows? As a huge fan of SNL for 20 years now, my imagination is running loose on just how things might go. Maybe viewers will be treated to a cameo appearance by Armstrong’s buddy Robin Williams. Maybe resident fatty Horatio Sanz will portray Tour director Jean Marie Leblanc — or possibly WADA chief Dick Pound. Could SNL’s writers even have a little fun with Pound’s name? I’ve always felt it had a virtually limitless potential for innuendo. Not that I would ever stoop so low. …
Other athletes have hosted SNL with mixed results. Michael Jordan’s 1991 appearance spawned classic skits such as “The First Black Harlem Globetrotter,” as well as Jordan’s infamous struggle to contain his laughter while Stuart Smalley (Al Franken) urged him to give a daily affirmation: “Um, Michael, I know there must be a lot of pressure for you to play very well, and I can imagine that the night before a game, you must lie awake thinking, ‘I’m not good enough … Everybody’s better than me … I’m not going to score any points … I have no business playing this game.’”
Other appearances have added little to an athlete’s legacy. Critics were lukewarm when former San Francisco 49er Joe Montana hosted in 1987, although I still think the what-if-we-lived-in-a-world-of-complete-honesty sketch, where Montana bluntly stated, “I’m going upstairs to masturbate,” was hilarious. NHL hero Wayne Gretzky hosted in 1989, to less than glowing reviews. Some of Gretzky’s skits included “Fishing With the Anal-Retentive Sportsman,” a swing-and-a-miss appearance on “Wayne’s World” and “Waikiki Hockey.”
A list of previous star athletes to appear on the show over its 31-year run includes Charles Barkley, Tom Brady, Chris Evert, George Foreman, Hulk Hogan, Derek Jeter, Alex Karras, Nancy Kerrigan, Walter Payton, The Rock, Andy Roddick, Bill Russell, Deion Sanders, O.J. Simpson, Fran Tarkenton and Bob Uecker.
Photo: ABC
Armstrong, who tends to be most comfortable being intense rather than comedic, can keep his composure on live television, as we saw in his live one-hour interview with Larry King following the L’Equipe story in August. With Crow alongside him for SNL, I’m Lance will do little to tarnish his sterling image here in the States. Hell, if the L’Equipe story didn’t do it, does he really need to worry about bombing in front of a live studio audience and millions of viewers?
Possibly. When New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady hosted the show back in April, Boston Herald sportswriter Mark A. Perigard put together a list of a few helpful suggestions for Brady. Let’s review:
Don’t dress up in drag, no matter how much they beg or how much you like women’s clothing. Look, it did nothing for The Rock. True enough, but the guy has made a professional career out of wearing Lycra in public.
Anytime there is a cute guy on the show, SNL forces him into a kissing scene with at least one of the regulars. Relax, but watch out for Chris Parnell. He’s always trying to slip people some tongue. I don’t even need to say this, but no tongue, Lance. It could kill that political career everyone’s been talking about.
Don’t try to sing. I don’t know, a duet with Crow could be funny. Didn’t they try that once before? (Check the dateline.)
Refuse to appear in any scenes with Horatio Sanz. He’s the same in every sketch — incoherent. Maybe so, but an incoherent French-accented Leblanc might be funny, at least to those who know who he is. All 14 of us. All right, forget it, that ain’t happening.
If you’re going to work off the cue cards, at least have the sense to wear your contacts so you can actually read them. (Hello, Robert De Niro.) I think obvious reading from cue cards is to be expected, although Armstrong does have a bit of experience, both in front of the camera and reading off teleprompters at fundraising benefits.
If you see “Debbie Downer,” “Merv the Perv” or “Dr. Porkenheimer” on the list of skits, pretend to be sick and let Ben Affleck stand in for you. He can use the work more than you, anyway. Tough call. Could be hilarious; could bomb. That’s what is going to make the episode worth watching.
If anything goes wrong, do not, under any circumstance, dance a jig. Could be as disastrous as kissing a guy, depending on the moves.
All sage advice, to be sure. I wonder if Lance will be looking for something to piss him off right before the episode starts, to get properly amped for a kick-ass performance. Another thought: Will performance-enhancing beverages be consumed beforehand? Busting Lance for that could make for some good opening-monologue fodder.
Ah, fodder. As columnists, it’s what we live for.
But wait, there’s more. On Sunday, October 30, SIRIUS Satellite Radio will broadcast a special edition of Armstrong Radio, Armstrong’s weekly radio program on SIRIUS, featuring an exclusive interview with former President Bill Clinton. Wow, now that is huge. What other athlete, past or present, could host SNL one night and interview Clinton on radio the next?
Armstrong and Clinton will discuss a variety of subjects including cancer awareness, retirement and the “Alliance for a Healthier Generation,” the collaborative effort by the Clinton Foundation and the American Heart Association to prevent childhood obesity. One excerpt from the already-recorded chat has Clinton asking Armstrong: “How many kids do you think have those LiveStrong bracelets? Countless numbers. You could ask them to think about what it means. Wearing that bracelet could be a sign of personal fitness. I think that might be the most important thing you could do.”
Armstrong joined SIRIUS in January to host a weekly program on FACTION, a channel created specifically to appeal to action-sports enthusiasts with an innovative mix of music and talk. For those with SIRIUS, the show airs Sunday, October 30, at 9 p.m. EST or 6 p.m. PST on FACTION, channel 28. The program is re-broadcast Mondays at 12 a.m. and 12 p.m. EST.
